


See, I'm a Waste of Time, I Should Just End Myself

by basinnit



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: A Happy Ending, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eating Disorders, Haikyuu - Freeform, Kissing, KuroKen - Freeform, M/M, No Volleyball, Soulmates AU, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, a couple of swear words, and they kissed, its sad but the ending is happy, kuroo and bokuto were friends, lev is only mentioned, side bokuaka, strong depression, tsukishima and yamaguchi aren't exactly together, written more from kuroo's side, yamaguchi is only mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:54:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24788065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/basinnit/pseuds/basinnit
Summary: 6 times Kuroo broke down more and more, and 1 time everything was fine.orKuroo felt like he was drowning, and the ringing in his ears grew louder and louder. He needed fresh air, but being outside would make him feel even worse. His skin itched. He couldn't breathe.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 8
Kudos: 101





	See, I'm a Waste of Time, I Should Just End Myself

**Author's Note:**

> Uh, hi!  
> I'm back with a kuroken fic, and this is honestly not something I write often, but they just matched what I wanted. I know this is... a little bit sad, I'm very much aware of it. But, as I promised my friends on twitter, after their suffering, they have their little happy ending, so I think it's fine.  
> Also, English is not my first language and I'm still way too shy to ask someone to beta read my fics, so please, ignore the possible mistakes I did.  
> Enjoy the one shot, I love you guys!
> 
> This one if for Demi and Tisha ♥
> 
> twitter - @R4SH0V   
> Instagram - @destrukcyjnosc_

– 1 –

When his mother told him about soulmates for the first time, he wasn’t listening. His mind wandered somewhere far beyond the walls of their kitchen, wishing to just go out and play with Koutarou again. The weather was nice. He could act like he had some friends beside Koutarou, even if it was always just the two of them.

His mother talked. She spoke with a soft voice that he usually loved so much, but when she was talking, he heard her like he was under the water. Maybe he was. Maybe he was drowning and he only imagined standing there, in the kitchen, with the sun coming through the window and making his skin itch to go outside. His mother never stopped talking. Kuroo wasn’t listening.

When the red string appeared on his pinky finger, he didn’t notice it at first. He finally did when Koutarou asked if he has the string already, and he blinked slowly, raising his hand to see the red string wrapped carefully wrapped around his finger. _Oh_. Soulmates. _Right_. He only said “ _I do_ ”, and that has ended the conversation. He didn’t ask if Koutarou had his already. Not that he cared. 

When Lev appeared, he talked only about soulmates like a broken record and it had Kuroo’s blood pressure rising. Then, when Lev asked if Kuroo hated soulmates, he didn’t respond. He simply looked at his hand again, eyes staring at the red string around his finger. 

He grew to ignore the soulmates. He didn’t hate them, he discovered when he was in middle school. He just didn’t mind. He had a lot more important things to focus on than tugging the string and trying to find the person with the other end around their pinkies. He had school. He had friends (he still only had Koutarou, because he would rather bite his own tongue off than admit Lev being his _friend_ ). He had… everything but soulmates.

He soon realized, that his soulmate didn’t mind either. They never tugged the string, and he didn’t feel like they were searching for him. Or maybe they were waiting for Kuroo to start doing something. Kuroo felt like drowning again, like he was back in the kitchen at the age of six years old, with his mother talking in the background. 

When Akaashi appeared right in front of him, staring at Koutarou with wide, pretty eyes, lips forming a small “ _o_ ”, cheeks dusted in a pretty pink that made him look like a fucking angel, right hand raised, Kuroo felt himself _scowl_. Koutarou was almost crying, looking so happy it hurt something deep inside in Kuroo’s chest. Koutarou was never this, _this_ happy before like he was in that moment, looking at his damn soulmate.

And when Lev found his own soulmate too, Kuroo was left there standing, sinking more and more down, choking on air, suffocating in being with _anyone_. 

So he stopped hanging around with Koutarou. After school, we always went straight to his house, dropping dead on the bed and scowling. He went straight to the school and avoided Koutarou on all the costs, acting like they never knew each other. He knew that Bokuto was hurt and he was being a petty, little _bitch_. It wasn’t Bokuto’s fault. He was just being stupid.

* * *

– 2 –

Highschool came. Kuroo was constantly in the water, sinking deeper and _deeper_ and by the time he came in the classroom, eyes bored, face relaxed, hands in his pockets like he didn’t want to be there at all, he felt like no one would be able to reach his hand in this fucking water.

He was way too deep in, and he felt like he slowly started giving up.

He sat on his desk, stared out of the window, his skin itching to hide somewhere when the sun wouldn’t get him. Bokuto’s eyes burned his back which made his shoulders tense. He knew he looked uncomfortable. He wanted to go home. Hide in his room, let his hand fall to his side, close his eyes, and let the water and darkness surround him.

The string tugged on his finger and Kuroo’s eyes snapped open, his head turning to look down at his hand. The sting looked like it might snap. Kuroo slowly followed the string with his eyes, until he was met with the door, and a boy standing right behind it, staring at Kuroo with wide eyes.

Then, the boy _run_ , and Kuroo felt like he was sinking even deeper.

He didn’t follow the string that day. Nor the next one, the following week or even the following year, until he was in the second year of high school, and the string was always being tugged. It was _annoying_. 

Kuroo didn’t _eat_. He didn’t _sleep_. Bokuto stopped staring. Kuroo saw him on the corridors, face turned in a pretty smile as he held hands with Akaashi, who looked so, so soft next to the older student. Kuroo didn’t watch much longer.

* * *

– 3 –

When the second year started, he wasn’t looking much like himself. He wasn’t even sure if he remembered how his voice sounded, not talking in class. Not talking with people. Not talking at home. _Not breathing._

The corridors were crowded and it made him sick in the stomach. He needed some fresh air, but he knew he would feel even worse outside. He wasn’t feeling the fresh air. He wasn’t feeling at all. He was too long under the water, and he felt like he was dying not only in his head.

The string tugged. He wished he could cut it off.

The sun burned his skin, and the ice cream felt sickly sweet on his tongue. Shoulders tensed, fingers shaking, skin itching. _Go inside_ , his mind screamed. _And stop eating._

Kuroo didn’t. He forced himself to stay on the bench, sitting down and trying to look as casual as he could. Forcing the ice cream into his mouth. Sweat traveling down his neck. The red string wrapped carefully around his pinky.

The string tugged. Kuroo closed his eyes.

“ _Sorry_. Didn’t mean to tug it this time.”

His eyes snapped open, turning his head to the direction the voice came from. There stood the boy, so much smaller than him he looked like a little kid. His face, however, looked serious, much more mature than Kuroo’s.

Kuroo took a deep breath into his lungs, the wind touching his skin softly. The ringing in his ears stopped, and just for a minute, his mind fucked off finally. He felt like the boy in front of him held his hand and forced him out of the water. His skin stopped itching.

The boy had golden, cat-like eyes and a small frown on his lips. His hair, dyed blonde framed his face softly, and somehow he looked good even with his dark roots. Kuroo wanted to touch his hair. He was wearing the school uniform, a switch in his hand. The same one who had the end of Kuroo’s string around his pinky finger. 

Kuroo was staring at his _soulmate_ , and for the first time since he was six years old, he felt himself breathe. A breath so shaky and so unsure, his head was spinning. Oh god, he was _alive_ , and it was so scary he wished he could go back under the water and star feeling numb again.

It was overwhelming, to feel so much suddenly. The sun, the wind, the stare of his soulmate’s eyes on him, the string, the sounds, the ice cream melting down his fingers, the beating of his own heart, and the sound of his breathing. He was _breathing._

Kenma Kozume, his soulmate, sat next to him and ignored him like Kuroo wasn’t even existing. Not that Kuroo cared, because for most of the time he really wished he could just… _disappear_. That moment, however, with Kenma right next to him, he wanted… no, he needed to be noticed. 

Being next to the younger boy made him feel alive.

The bell rang, and Kozume stood up, eyes meeting Kuroo’s again.

“You should go to the class”

Kenma walked away. Kuroo sank into the water again.

After that, Kenma didn’t try to reach out again, even if Kuroo felt him staring at the corridors. Kuroo found himself spiraling, desperate to feel so free once again, and yet feeling scared to reach out for it. Being under the water - he was used to it. He was used to being so numb, so quiet and not caring, and the thought of feeling - the thought of Kenma made him so fucking scared.

* * *

– 4 –

When his third year came around, it came with the _thoughts_. The thoughts made him nervous, even anxious. The thoughts were _dangerous_ , but he was way too weak to fight with them. His third year came with Tsukishima, who seemed to be just as broken as he was. When they got to know each other a little better, Kuroo found out that Tsukishima controlled his _life_ , controlled his _feelings_ , controlled _himself_ , and Kuroo felt like he was spiraling again. Tsukishima didn’t have a string.

They never talked about soulmates. If, no, _when_ Tsukishima saw how bad Kuroo was doing, he said nothing. 

Bokuto was sending him worried looks.

Kuroo wanted to vomit.

The thoughts. Oh god, he wished the thoughts would stop. He wished he could stop thinking, stop existing at all. That’s what the thoughts were bugging him about. He was barely alive anymore, and it would be so easy to just… end the thoughts. End the itch, end the anxiety, and with Bokuto or Tsukishima, or with _Kenma_.

Kenma was staring at him, and he felt like those cat eyes were analyzing him. He needed to get out.

He ran out of the school and leaned against the wall, his breathing heavy. _Oh god_. Oh god, he felt like he was dying. Wasn’t that what he wanted?

“Do you need water?” 

Kenma was standing there, a careful amount of feet between them, playing with his fingers. Kuroo felt himself calming down.

“I-it’s _fine_ ”. He said slowly, his voice hoarse from not using it a lot. It was a lot deeper than when he was still talking with Bokuto, he sounded more mature. _Broken_. He sounded broken.

“You’re not much of a talker, huh?” Came Kenma’s question, as the younger student started slowly walking in his direction, slow enough to give Kuroo the time to move away. Kuroo stayed still.

“Well, I don’t have anyone to talk to” He mumbled, and then tried to send Kenma a smile to let him know he was fine. He _wasn’t_. And he didn’t know how to smile. 

“I won’t push you, because I’m not that type of person. Not liking to talk much myself, but I could keep you company. You seem nice.”

Kuroo seemed nice. Kenma was lying, last time Kuroo saw himself in the mirror he looked like a living death. Like an empty shell without a soul, and Kenma was lying straight to his face, but Kuroo didn’t mind. _He didn’t care._

Kenma sat on the grass next to where he was standing and then tugged at his sleeve to make him sit down too. Kuroo obeyed, and they ditched a whole period together, sitting in silence. Kenma played on his switch, and Kuroo watched, feeling so, _so tired._

He wondered if he could finally rest like this. Close his eyes, breath in and out slowly, not thinking about anything, with Kenma’s warm body next to his. Kenma set him at peace, and suddenly he was reminded with how alive he felt next to Koutarou, and he felt his chest ache.

Oh god, how he missed Koutarou. How he missed the times when he was smiling, not wide, but still smiling. The times when Koutarou’s chatter put him to sleep like a sweet lullaby. The times Kuroo felt like he was still holding onto something.

Kenma swore under his breath, snapping Kuroo out of his mind. The blonde boy was still focused on his game, but his body was pressing to Kuroo’s side. 

_ Kuroo was so, so tired. _

He let himself close his eyes, even if the action made him so anxious. Sleeping meant nightmares. But he was tired, and his soulmate’s body was so warm.

Kuroo let his head fall.

It rested on top of Kenma’s head. Kenma tensed, but then a small smile appeared on his lips.

* * *

– 5 –

If he could, he would be crying and screaming for help. The point was, he forgot how to ask for help long ago, and crying seemed tiring. He was way too tired to cry. He wasn’t sure if he was able to do it at all.

So he stayed quiet and acted strong, even if his whole body was itching for help. Who would help him anyway?

The last time he got some decent sleep was with Kenma when they were ditching school. Days ago. Kuroo checked his phone. Not days, _weeks_ ago. Oh.

The last time he ate a proper meal? Honestly, when was the last time he even ate anything? 

Kenma held an onigiri in front of his face with a small smile, and Kuroo wanted to vomit. He knew he needed food, he knew he needed to eat something, but thinking about it made him dizzy.

“Just a small bite, Kuroo” Kenma pleaded, and Kuroo couldn’t just say no.

He took the onigiri and swallowed the lump in his throat.

Kenma watched as he opened the onigiri and forced some of it into his mouth. 

The younger boy slowly breathed out with relief. 

It became a habit of them. Kenma buying him onigiri and watching Kuroo eat it slowly, chewing on the rice like he wanted to spit it out and rinse his mouth to forget the taste of it. 

They made _progress_. Slowly, from having just one little bite of his food, Kuroo started eating bits more, until he was eating the _whole_ triangle, and Kenma almost cried with joy. Kuroo was making small progress, from sleeping on Kenma’s shoulder to drinking some fluids and eating anything.

He talked more with Kenma too. Even _teased_ him a little, but he was always quickly stopping, like the way he teased Kenma reminded him of something. Or someone. Kenma wasn’t bold enough to ask.

They exchanged numbers and texted each other a lot, often in the middle of the night. Kenma was playing, and Kuroo simply wasn’t sleeping. Sometimes, they talked over the phone. At first, it started out innocent, just about the weather, or classes, or what Kenma had for dinner. Then, it started getting dangerous. With a broken, “ _I’m so tired, pudding head. I’m so fucking tired_ ” from Kuroo. 

Kenma knew his soulmate needed help. He just didn’t know how to make him get it.

* * *

– 6 –

He liked to think that he was dating Kenma. Well, they _had_ to be, right? They were soulmates, and they were spending so much time together Kuroo found himself wondering if Kenma will grow _bored_ of him soon. They had their night calls, the hanging out during the lunch break, the sleeping sessions, and sometimes Kenma was telling him that he cared about him with a voice so desperate and panicked Kuro felt his heart sink in his chest. 

They never kissed. They never held hands, but if Kuroo was still human and still able to feel anything, he liked to think he cared about the younger boy. 

Kenma was keeping him alive. Realizing that made him feel so vulnerable he felt like drowning again, but he was grounded with Kenma’s concerned eyes, a touch on his shoulder and a small “you’re okay there?”. _God_ , he was so desperately wishing he could die, but Kenma was right there, right beside him, making him eat and sleep, and drink. Kenma was keeping him alive, not only literally.

His mind was quiet when he was around his soulmate. The red string between their hands was always a reminder that Kenma was _his_ , and he was Kenma’s. If he died, the string between them would break, and he didn’t want Kenma to be sad.

Sometimes his brain fucked with him and tried to force him into thinking that Kozume never cared. It was all an act. _Pity_. Kuroo had to end it.

Then, Kenma stared at him, and there was affection in his eyes, buried deep down. Kuroo wanted to be alive.

Kuroo wanted to be _good_. To be well, to stop making Kenma worry, to be fine again. To stop drowning. To breathe in, to feel the wind on his skin, to feel hungry, to feel well-rested, to stop having nightmares. 

Kuroo wanted it to end, he realized, as his name was called for the therapy. 

* * *

(1)

The day was making him nervous. He wasn’t able to eat anything at all, and his hands were shaking again. Fucking _hell_ , what was he stressed about? Tsukishima complained about him acting like a bullied teenager having to go to school again for the past half an hour, not

moving his fucking butt from the chair he sat on, eyes fixated on his phone, probably texting Yamaguchi. Honestly, Kuroo thought they should just… get together already. It was obvious they had a thing for each other, and sometimes listening to Kei talk about his crush was annoying. But Kuroo was a good friend, so he always listened.

If he would come, he should have been there hours before. He wasn’t coming, Kuroo told himself. Tsukishima would have to do it.

When he talked to Tsukishima about it, the younger just shrugged his arms and said it’s fine by him. That he’s glad Kuroo had the balls to talk with his first love. After so many years. 

God, Kuroo was such a petty bitch.

“You have to get dressed, you loser.” Tsukishima reminded him, moving his eyes from the phone just for a second, and when he noticed how worried Kuroo was, he groaned. “I told you if he won’t come I will do it. Stop worrying, you won’t end up without a best man.”

Right. Tsukishima was here. 

But Koutarou wasn’t.

He sent the invitation along with a small letter from himself to Bokuto weeks ago and didn’t get a reply. He should have known that his friend he dropped suddenly and acted like they never knew each other won’t want to come to the fucking United States just to see him get married. It was obvious. Kuroo was so stupid.

The door opened, and there stood Kozume, already wearing the pants from his suit and the dress shirt, without his tie or the blazer. 

“Tetsurou, you need to calm down a little.” Kozume said calmly as he went inside the room and stood right in front of him, hands squeezing Kuroo’s shoulders. 

His fiance was beautiful. He knew it years ago when he was barely alive. He knew it when he finished his therapy and he was a lot better, but still not well. He knew it when he was spiraling down when Kozume was always there to pick him up. 

Kozume was there when he took his first pills. He was there when Kuroo was trying his best to keep up with the amount of food he had to eat daily. He was there when Kuroo cried for the first time from being so overwhelmed, and when he had to go to the hospital for around two long months.

Kozume was there when Kuroo smiled for the first time in years. He was there when Kuroo finally felt free when he finished high school, gained weight, and finally looked healthy. Alive. 

It was a struggle, to get Kuroo up from his knees, for both of them. They had so many breaking points, where all of it could end. Making Kuroo feel good, safe, and loved was a fucking challenge, but Kozume was there all along, watching Kuroo become someone Kenma never knew before.

Kuroo was still going back there sometimes. Those were weak exceptions, the small moments when he felt tired all over again, but most of the time, he was doing good.

His clothes stopped hanging on him. They were well fit, and he was going to the gym regularly, proud of how fit he was. He was finally strong enough to lift Kenma up and carry him to their bedroom, or hold his sweet fiance against the wall when they were kissing. 

He became more confident, a teasing smile almost a part of his face. His eyes shined brightly, and he laughed so prettily next to Kozume the younger boy felt so fucking in love it was hurting. 

And he looked handsome. So fucking handsome sometimes his sweet little fiance couldn’t keep his hands to himself, wanting to shower him with his love. 

He was so in love with the smaller male, and only he knew how to calm him down.

“Koutarou won’t come.” He mumbled, placing his forehead on Kozume’s shoulder. 

(The position was really awkward with their height difference, but none of them cared. Only Tsukishima snorted at them, but he stopped with the middle finger Kuroo showed his way.)

“You really have so little faith in me, bro? Jesus Christ, let us know via Facebook next time, we almost missed the flight because the letter arrived two hours before it”

Bokuto Koutarou was there, standing in the door and panting, his hair down, eyes wide open, hand squeezing Keiji’s hand tightly. Kuroo gulped.

Akaashi Keiji was right behind him, lips slightly opened, breathing heavily from their run. He was just as beautiful as he was when he met Koutaoru, only this time he had glasses on his nose that made him look even more innocent. 

This time, Kuroo’s insides didn’t twist. 

This time, he smiled at them warmly and moved to give both of them a hug.

Kuroo was doing good. He was doing amazing, with Koutarou as his best man, Tsukishima smiling at him proudly, his mother crying in happiness, and with Kozume’s lips touching his own.

Kozume was his husband. He helped him with being fine again, he loved him, and Tetsurou loved him back.

As their lips moved, he smiled. A big, genuine smile and his sweet husband tugged him down more, to kiss him _harder_. 

Kuroo felt like he was _flying_.

**Author's Note:**

> Awh, so you made it! I hope you liked it, the style I wrote it in isn't something I'm used to... But I really hope it turned out fine. Feel free to comment and let me know what you think of it, or if you don't want to drag me in the comments here, my dms on @R4SH0V on twitter are open! Have a nice day or an amazing night, whenever you're reading it. 
> 
> Tori xx


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